“I cannot make good choices unless I develop a mature and prudent conscience that gives me an accurate acount of my motives, my intentions, and my moral acts….The immature conscience is one that bases its judgements partly, or even entirely, on the way other people seem to be disposed toward its decisions.  The Good is what is admired or accepted by the people it lives with.  The evil is what irritates or upsets them.  Even when the immature conscience is not entirely dominated by people outside itself, it nevertheless acts only as a representative of some other conscience.  The immature conscience is not its own master.  It is merely the delegate of the conscience of another person, or of a group…Therefore, it does not make real moral decisions of its own, it simply parrots the decisions of others.  It does not make judgements of its own, it merely “conforms” to the part line.  It does not really have motives or intentions of its own.  Or if it does, it wrecks them by twisting and rationalizing them to fit the intentions of another. That is not moral freedom.  It makes true love impossible.  For If I am to love truly and freel, I must be able to give something that is truly my own to another.  If my heart does not first belong to me, how can I give it to another?  It is not mine to give!”

hard words, Merton, hard words…  I read this passage, and was overwhelmed by the implications of these words.  I have recently realized that I am a “pleaser.”  I like to make people happy.  And oftentimes, my words and actions are not a reflection of me, but rather of who I am directing them towards.  This is not to say that I feel that I am being unfaithful to myself;  if I feel strongly enough, I will stand up and risk making people unhappy.  It is only since this realization have I been able to look at my thoughts, words, and actions, and see where it is I am basing my actions on the perceptions of others.  Perhaps this is the first step?

Yet, perhaps what troubles me most about the implications of this passage stems not from my “pleaser” personality, but from the moral and spiritual development process itself.  Having grown up in a conservative evangelical community, my morals have been basically handed to me:  This is what a good Christian girl believes, does, and does not do.  For the most part, I’ve accepted those morals.  They’ve worked for me thus far.

But Merton implies that this simple acceptance of morality, of conscious (one’s definition of good and evil) hinders one’s ability to love…  I’m not quite sure how he makes the connection, to be honest, but if he’s right…Can anyone love freely?  Even with my years-long quest to understand what I believe, why, and to thoughtfully consider any challenges to those beliefs, I still recognize that at the root of my conscience are the moral foundations laid for me by my parents and conservative evangelical community…  Over the years, I’ve tweaked them as I’ve been challenged to think.  However, the fact remains that there is much I have not questioned, changed, or even challenged…

I don’t know…an interesting thought I should spend more time on, I think…

Reflections on Belief

What does it mean to believe?  To me, belief has always been a process.  I have a hard time understanding how one can just decide to believe something, and do it.  Yes, it’s possible to say one believes, and to decide that one wants to believe…but the actual believing…  Perhaps it’s difficult for me to grasp this because I’ve never just decided to believe in much of anything.  Having grown up in the church, my faith in God has been slowly established in me as I’ve developed.  My faith, my ability to believe in various doctrines of the church has developed as I have developed.  So many things are associated with belief in certain ideas–to believe in these things means so much more than simply saying, “I believe.”  There are practical implications of that belief.

Perhaps this is another reason I struggle with the idea of simply deciding to believe…how can one truely believe unless she grasps and has assimilated the full meaning of this belief?  But…how can one grasp and assimilate the full meaning unless she believes?

Perhaps this is why I often find myself praying, “Lord, I believe.  Help my unbelief.”  For I can say I believe, but do I understand?  I believe because it is rational to do so.  It just fits.  And yet, I do not fully understand all implications of this belief.

sorry that this is a little disjointed and not fully thought out…that’s what you get with a blog first thing in the morning.  😉

Reflections on Salvation

What is Salvation?

I grew up in the Missionary Church (an evangelical denomination with ani-baptist roots). Salvation is an important topic for any church whose sole purpose is to fulfill the Great Commission “Go, therefore, into all the world, making disciples…”

As any “good Christian,” I embraced the teachings of my church and various spiritual mentors (youth pastors, sponsors, Sunday School teachers, etc) without reservation. Evangelism is a formula:

· Tell people they’re sinners

· Inform them that the wages of sin is death (and hell=eternal pain, fire, and various other painful images

· Tell them of God’s love for them causing him to send his Son to die for them

· Ask them if they would like to accept Jesus Christ as their personal savior (and thus gain a FREE ticket to heaven)

And thus…salvation is entirely future-oriented. Salvation = forgiveness of sins so that when we die, Jesus stands up for us, and tells God that he died for us. We then walk through the pearly gates, get settled into our personal mansion, and spend the rest of eternity doing whatever we want.

In high school, I challenged the notion that salvation comes in a specific moment: the moment one prays the “Prayer of Salvation,” she has her name written in the Lamb’s Book of Life, and is promised entrance into heaven. Having grown up in the church, I realized that I did not have a specific moment I “accepted Christ.” This is problematic during classes/training that encourage Christians to share their personal testimonies…as I could never remember what my life before Christ was like, nor could I say that my life as a Christian is better than when I was not—I never remembered becoming a Christian, much less what life was like beforehand!

In order to overcome this, and other similar obstacles, I simply modified my personal theology to incorporate my practical experiences…thus I continued to accept the formula and assumptions inherent in this evangelical approach to salvation, adding that sometimes, salvation is the result of a process of seeking God and coming to terms with the Truth of Jesus Christ.   problem solved.  end of discussion.

And now…I question the entire formula. No, I do not question the basic tenets of Christianity…I fully confess the Creed (in its various formats…while they have slightly different implications they all say the same thing: Jesus Christ is God incarnate, born of a Virgin, suffered, died, and rose again on the 3^rd day, thus gaining victory over sin and death.)

But…as I’ve been investigating the doctrines of Orthodoxy, I find myself challenging some of the very assumptions that lead to my previous beliefs about salvation. I found myself discontent with my inherited assumptions…yet unable to point to what was lacking… until recently.

The theology I acquired (for it was never something I worked to understand or deepen) lacked a meaningful understanding of what it means to be a Christian at present time. What does salvation mean…instead of what will it mean? Yes…it means the presence of the Holy Spirit…and some rather confusing ideas of holiness and righteousness… Something about being set apart for God, keeping oneself pure from the influences of all things “worldly.” And yet…be salt and light to the very world which I should keep myself from… It’s confusing. And to top it all off…it never gave me a thorough understanding of what I was supposed to do NOW. What does being a Christian mean now?

(insert rant about finding God’s will and purpose for one’s life here…)

But…what if I were to start back at the beginning…redefine what it means to be human, to sin, etc? What if I were to look at salvation as a process, instead of a point in time? “Continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling”—that verse is completely lost to me in my evangelical theology… Yet if one views salvation as the process by which one becomes who God originally intended him/her to be…

What if Jesus was more than just a free ticket to heaven? What He was also he ultimate example of how to live—not just how to be holy, and righteous…but how to truly live—to embrace the fullness of life as God intended it?

What if salvation was really the process by which Christ continually perfects us…continually restores, continually heals us from the wounds our sin has inflicted upon us?

What if salvation was life? Not just an aspect of life, but the actual act of living in community with other Christians, of worshiping God in spirit and truth…of praying without ceasing, “Lord, have mercy (anoint me with the oil of healing and restoration), on me a sinner.” –not out of false humility or vain conceit but because it is reality.

It would change everything I believe about what it is to be a Christian…about what one needs to do in order to attain salvation, to profess oneself as a Christian. It would change how I worship, pray, and judge the actions and theology of those around me…  Perhaps more importantly, it would change how I see the Kingdom of God.

Or would it?

Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner…and give me wisdom as only You can.

An unexamined life…

The past week has been interesting…full of thought and conversations. Me, trying to figure out what’s going on. What is going on? In my life? In my world? In the world around me? Where is my place? Where do I fit?

Life needs to slow down. Give me a chance to think. I am often guilty of doing first, thinking later. Perhaps it is a pitfall of being reflective. Of being an observer. Sometimes life demands an immediate response. So I do what others are doing; what’s expected of me. And I evaluate later. Provided, of course, that life gives me the opportunity to evaluate later.

I feel like life has put itself in fast-forward. You know the scene in a movie when a character is standing still in a crowded place and everyone around him/her moves in fast-forward? That’s me. Standing alone in the midst of a crowded subway tunnel, looking around, watching quietly, slowly, as life flies past me.

I think I would be content to find a quiet place and just be. Just be for all of Spring Break. An entire week, just me and God. Perhaps by the beach. Watch the tide come in…and out. Watch kids play in the sand and lovers walk hand in hand along the shore. Watch the sunset. Feel the peace and the calm that comes from being in my Father’s arms. To hear hem say, “You are my child and I delight in You.” I long to get away. Get away from the busyness of life, of college, and of work responsibilities. I long for hours, even days of solitude.

And yet, I long for deep, intelligent, spiritual conversation. I long for answers, but even more, I long for questions. I’m not a question-asker. I observe and soak in information like a sponge. But often I have no questions to ask. No initial criticisms or inquiries. I simply absorb and assimilate new information into my thoughts, beliefs, and understanding.

Sometimes, I wish I had questions. It would help me to begin those conversations. Meaningful ones about the things that matter. But…I don’t. My mind is blank. I remain in doubt and confusion–perhaps tension is a better word. I remain in tension. I long for the questions that help me to sort through these feelings.

I long for questions and good conversation.

And God. Always God.

Reflections…

Over the past several months, even several years, I’ve become increasingly aware of the lack of history my Protestant American upbringing has given me.  I can’t quote the Church Fathers, or even name them (beyond a few of the disciples and Paul…but do they even count?)  For an aspect of my life that I claim means so much to me, to not be able to explain how it’s become what it is is pretty pathetic, if you ask me.  Heck, until a few months ago, I’d never even thought about my theology.  Sure, i’ve recited what I learned was right for me to believe, and I did my best to make it my own,but I didn’t really grasp the implications of what I believed.  What does it mean to say that I believe that Scripture is the inerrant Word of God?  What is the Church?  What did Christ really do for us on the Cross?  What does it mean to be holy?

Oh, to think I once had answers for those questions.

And not that I don’t have ANY answers.  I’ve got quite a few.  A few saved from my childhood Sunday School days.  And…more than a few that I’ve learned and incorporated from life itself: people I’ve met, things I’ve done and seen, books I’ve read, conversations I’ve had.  And the more I think and read and  listen, the more I appreciate and gravitate toward more liturgical and traditional sects within Christianity.  Catholicism, Orthodoxy.  By far, not the same, I know.  But, hey…this little Protestant girl is still learning.

Sunday, I went with a few friends to the local Orthodox church.  I’d been relatively well prepped–it helps when several of the people at work are unashamed of their Orthodoxy, and you’re friends with a girl who’s always got questions.  😉  So nothing really surprised me or made me feel uncomfortable, as I can well imagine would happen to many of my friends and family members.

I loved it, actually.

I stood there and just absorbed the whole service.  It’s so rich.  Everything that is said or done is steeped in theological meaning.  Everything.  And, I’m sure that I only understood a part of it.

Honestly, I’m still processing.   …and procrastinating…but alas, the procrastination must end.