2:45 am

Yes, it’s that late/early.  And I’m still up.  Only a few sips into my tea… And as I wait for my mind and body to calm down after an … interesting evening, I figured I’d blog.  Why not?  😉

So…I’m discovering the Beatles.  Yeah, little late, huh?  Tell me about it.  But, a few months ago, I saw Across the Universe, and then saw it recently with a group of friends.  And I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately.  So I downloaded the soundtrack.  And have been playing it ever since.  Not all of it, mind you.  Mainly a few songs.  Classics: Let it be, All you need is love, etc.  But also a few I’d never heard before.  My current favorite is Blackbird.  And…after listening to the original Beatles version, I like Across the Universe’s version better.  I think it’s the girl’s voice.  It’s haunting at times.  Especially this song.

I don’t know what it is.  Actually…I do.  Because I’ve been there.  Watching people struggle with something you cannot help them with.  Desperately desiring them to flourish, to find their potential and live up to it…to fly.  To Live.

The other song I’m listening to a lot?  Sung by the same girl, actually:  If I Fell.  To be honest, it seem to encapsulate a lot of what I feel about becoming Orthodox.  …somehow.  Don’t ask me how.  ‘Cause  it’s just kinda there, simmering under the surface.  And I’m too tired to try to fish it out.

I do believe it’s about time to find out if I can sleep.  …even if it’s just a few hours.  Booo weekends.  I need to figure out which job I’m dropping.  Pray for me.  I hate making decisions.

longings…

Today we sang a song in chapel that momentarily brought me out of my college-induced self-centeredness:

You said “Ask and you will receive”/Whatever you need/You Said “Pray and I’ll hear from heaven/and I’ll heal your land”//You said, Your glory will fill the earth like water to seas//You said “Lift up your eyes the harvest is here the kingdom is near”//You said ask and I’ll give the nations to you/Oh Lord, thats the cry of my heart/Distant shores and the islands will see your light/as it rises on us//You said “Ask and you will receive”/Whatever you need/You Said “Pray and I’ll hear from heaven and I’ll heal your land”//You said, Your glory will fill the earth/like water to seas/You said “Life your eyes the harvest is here the kingdom is near”//You said ask and I’ll give the nations to you/Oh Lord, thats the cry of my heart/Distant shores and the islands will see your light/as it rises on us

Shane Barnard, “You Said”

This is one of the songs that God used to speak to me when He called me to Ireland. As I sang it today, I was filled, once again, with the desire to go…somewhere. To serve. To love. I prayed for ATN as I haven’t in long time. Once again, I’m reminded of my need to be more diligent in that.

But as I was singing the song, between praying for Ireland and ATN, I was reminded of my desires. To serve somewhere. To love people. Of course, I was reminded of my lack of involvement in the various service opportunities I have here–what makes me think that anything will change when I graduate? My life seems so…self-centered, yet I do nothing to change it. I have all of these images in my head of me being this amazing woman of God, and yet, in reality, I’m struggling to keep my head above water with work and school and friends, and boy… I didn’t want to complain on this. Rather, it was meant to be a reflection of the encouragement I felt when we sang that song…it’s a promise. “Ask and you’ll recieve…lift up your eyes, the harvest is near, the kingdom is here…” God…i want that. I desperately want that…yet my life doesn’t reflect it.

Remember when Jesus asks the father if he believes that Jesus can raise his daughter, and the man replies, “I believe, help my unbelief”? Do you ever feel like praying, “I desire, help my lack of desire,” or “I long for this, help my laziness”? …yeah.

falling…

“I tried to walk on the water/found myself under the sea/with water up my nose/I felt your hand come close to save me./I tried to cast out the demons/gone to the darkest of regions/fear had me shaking/you suddenly break in to save me.//”cause I desire to be like You/Like any son or daughter/I want to be like my Father/I desire to be like You/You promised you’d never forsake me/So i’ll risk it all if you make me/like you//you stand beside me just waiting/while I try to go it alone/smiling you say ‘Son come here, won’t you just let me help you?/Frustrated I try to make it/’cause I’ve just got something to prove/not knowing it is my weakness that perfects Your power//Cause I desire to be like You/Like any son or daugher/I want to be like my Father/I desire to be like You/You promised you’d never forsake me/So i’ll risk it all if you make me/Like you”  Jason Upton.

This afternoon, I listened to this song as I drove home in the rain.  In my mind’s eye, I was back in Galway, scrunched together in the back of Kelly’s suberban, watching the green hills and stone fences beyond the rain-splattered windows.  I wanted to close my eyes and savor the moment.  To just stop and breathe it in.  To forget the papers and readings, tests and projects.  To just stop.  And breathe in the fragrance of God, and stillness.  To say, “Abba Father” and let that be enough.  To rest in the stillness of God’s peace and love.