Orthodoxy and Simplicity

Anyone who knows me well or has read through the pages of this blog know that I have long struggled with the desire for a slower, simpler life.  There is something about our culture’s desire to do everything at top speed that seems to grate against my inner most being. Perhaps this dissonance comes from my own need to achieve.   I try to be all things to all people, often at the expense of my own needs and desires.  But one can only run about frantically trying to make everyone happy for so long before the hectic pace of life takes its toll.

In the light of the crazy existence I call my life, I find myself drawn to simplicity.  I find myself, at times, standing alone in a quiet dark room, or turning off the radio as I make a late-night journey home.  For it is only after the distractions of modern life have disappeared that I can truly breathe.  The chaos around me has died away and I am left with all that really matters.

It is in this solitude that I feel completely at home, surrounded by the Father’s loving arms.  It is in this silence that I hear the message of love and unconditional acceptance I work so hard to earn.

I have found this same sense of quiet serenity in the context of liturgical worship.  There is something incredibly soothing in the familiar chants and motions of Orthodox worship, particularly  in Divine Liturgy.  In my darkest hours, I would make a point to go to liturgy or vespers because I knew it was here I would fin rest.  There is something sublimely soothing to walk from my frantic life into a dark room with the subtle scent of incense.  Listening to the slow, melodic chants of Orthodox prayers, I quite literally felt a sigh of relief.  Once again, I would  breathe deep and bask in the serenity of the moment.

I am drawn to Orthodoxy because essentially, it is a very simple faith.  In a day and age where everything around me is constantly changing, Orthodoxy remains constant.  It is a faith that has withstood the test of time, not constantly changing in order to suit the whims of an ever changing culture.  While the problems may have changed over the years, the solution has not.  Christ is there, sitting on the throne of grace, calling out to humanity:

“Come to me, all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”

Alone and … happy?

The music from my computer plays softly.  The furnace kicks in, offering a steady stream of warm air and adds its own steady hum to that of the humidifier and air purifier already running.  A single candle flickers across the room.  And I sit, wrapped in my most comfortable clothes, literally curled up with a book and a cup of tea.

The computer pings.  Lets me know I have a date with an old friend in March.  And pings again.  This time it means a possible girl’s night this weekend.  As I return to my book, my mind wanders to a discovery  I’ve made over the past few weeks.  I am increasingly contented.

Tonight is no exception.  Few thing would make this evening better.  (A dog, curled up in my lap or by my feet, for example.  Possibly a fire in a fireplace.)  And I think back just a few hours ago.  My current job has brought with it a variety of  people and introduction to life as a single adult.  Growing up, singleness was not “right.”  Every “adult” I knew as a child and teenager was either married or looking to be married.  To be single was a sign that something was inherently wrong with you.  Too tall, too skinny, to fat, to awkward.

This idea is only propagated by the Protestant neglect of monasticism.  Sure, Paul says that it’s better to stay unmarried, but no one ever listens…  There are few, if any, examples of real, quality people who remain single. As I’ve continued my journey into Orthodoxy and life in general, I’ve gained a significant amount  of respect for monastics.  And I see in the lives of the saints solid examples of both married and single adults.

Slowly, and with much resistance, I am beginning to think, “Maybe singleness isn’t that bad after all.”  As residual stress from a previous life passes away, and I sit here, alone, I realize that I’ve never been less alone in my life.

For once, I’m not anxious to change my situation.  I’m excited about where my life is, where it’s heading.  And the rest I’m finding along the way.

on the other side

This evening I went to vespers as has become my custom over the past year or so.  Tonight we prayed an Akathist to Christ, light to those in darkness.  It was an interesting reminder, to be honest.  I remember praying this Akathist for the first time last year about this time.  I was in the midst of depression–looking back on it I can see more clearly how bad it really was, but I knew even then that it wasn’t simply a period of feeling “down” or “blue”…life was dark.  Even on the brightest, most gorgeous fall days, I wandered through life as if it were the middle of a cold and cloudy night.  That night, as I chanted, prayed, and listened to the words of this beautiful prayer, my heart was warmed.  I remember gazing on the icons of Christ and seeing love shining forth from his eyes.  Love and compassion.  Every section, every sentence, every word seemed to resonate deep within me…for I was one of those in darkness.  And I knew it.

This year, I approached with a different vantage point.  Tonight, I approached with people other than myself heavy on my heart.  Chemical imbalance currently in check, and my job suddenly a lot less stressful, I approached as one who currently rests in light, not darkness.  I remembered my first experience, filling my heart with even more light to see how far I have come.

And yet, I was reminded of how quickly things can change.  How although I may not be in the midst of the darkness of last year, I am surrounded by those who struggle; those who need my prayers and encouragement.

Lord, Jesus Christ, son of God, have mercy on those in darkness.

when life slows down

When life slows down I need to get away.
To take a walk in the woods, camera in hand, concerned more with the journey than the destination.
To lay in the grass and absorb as much vitamin D as possible before the beautiful autumn days turn into rainy Kentucky-winter days.
To return to a soft couch, coffee in hand, oblivious to all but photos of leaves, trees and running water…

When life slows down, I have books to read, music to listen to, and thoughts to verbalize. I can feel it…that desire to sit, think, listen, and write.  Only, I’ve been so distracted by life that I have not even begun to discover what it is I have deep within me.

Unfortunately, life never seems to slow down.  Projects never end.  Classes & work consume my time, thoughts, energy.  Every week, I attempt pause for a brief moment-long enough to catch my breath, regain my focus before I re-enter this craziness I call my life.  Most of the time it works.  This week, I failed miserably.  This week, I refused to let go of the cares of this world…I could not simply breathe deep the smell of incense and clear my mind of all but God.  It’s only Monday, and I’m already feeling the consequences.  Ugh…

Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner.

anxiety…

it’s got all the signs of an anxiety attack.  I can feel my chest tightening, my head beginning to spin every so slightly.  I fight to slow my breathing, calm my racing heart.  Thoughts speed in and out, hardly stopping for me to make sense of them, much less filter them with any sort of rationality.  Yes, no yes yes, no, no, no…

The slightest of things set it off this time…I thought I had been taking care of it, of myself.  But I’ve let the stress pile up.  The concerns about how I’m going to pay for this piece of paper…realization that I make less than $10,000 a year (way less…).  The knowledge that I could make more…so much more, elsewhere… I love my job, but…is it worth …this?  This rapid fire of everything I’ve been concious to keep in check, under control, as much as possible.

It makes me wonder…”what if?”  Would it really be better than this?  I loved that job.  The one like the one I could have.  But it’s different, and like trying to return to what’s known.  Because I hate the unknown.  These classes of mine are enough of an unknown, trying to figure out where it’ll come from: money, time, energy…money.

Breathe.  Slow and deep.  It’ll be ok.  Just breathe.  And please don’t plunge back into the depths.

Lord, have mercy.