Orthodoxy and Simplicity

Anyone who knows me well or has read through the pages of this blog know that I have long struggled with the desire for a slower, simpler life.  There is something about our culture’s desire to do everything at top speed that seems to grate against my inner most being. Perhaps this dissonance comes from my own need to achieve.   I try to be all things to all people, often at the expense of my own needs and desires.  But one can only run about frantically trying to make everyone happy for so long before the hectic pace of life takes its toll.

In the light of the crazy existence I call my life, I find myself drawn to simplicity.  I find myself, at times, standing alone in a quiet dark room, or turning off the radio as I make a late-night journey home.  For it is only after the distractions of modern life have disappeared that I can truly breathe.  The chaos around me has died away and I am left with all that really matters.

It is in this solitude that I feel completely at home, surrounded by the Father’s loving arms.  It is in this silence that I hear the message of love and unconditional acceptance I work so hard to earn.

I have found this same sense of quiet serenity in the context of liturgical worship.  There is something incredibly soothing in the familiar chants and motions of Orthodox worship, particularly  in Divine Liturgy.  In my darkest hours, I would make a point to go to liturgy or vespers because I knew it was here I would fin rest.  There is something sublimely soothing to walk from my frantic life into a dark room with the subtle scent of incense.  Listening to the slow, melodic chants of Orthodox prayers, I quite literally felt a sigh of relief.  Once again, I would  breathe deep and bask in the serenity of the moment.

I am drawn to Orthodoxy because essentially, it is a very simple faith.  In a day and age where everything around me is constantly changing, Orthodoxy remains constant.  It is a faith that has withstood the test of time, not constantly changing in order to suit the whims of an ever changing culture.  While the problems may have changed over the years, the solution has not.  Christ is there, sitting on the throne of grace, calling out to humanity:

“Come to me, all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”

Alone and … happy?

The music from my computer plays softly.  The furnace kicks in, offering a steady stream of warm air and adds its own steady hum to that of the humidifier and air purifier already running.  A single candle flickers across the room.  And I sit, wrapped in my most comfortable clothes, literally curled up with a book and a cup of tea.

The computer pings.  Lets me know I have a date with an old friend in March.  And pings again.  This time it means a possible girl’s night this weekend.  As I return to my book, my mind wanders to a discovery  I’ve made over the past few weeks.  I am increasingly contented.

Tonight is no exception.  Few thing would make this evening better.  (A dog, curled up in my lap or by my feet, for example.  Possibly a fire in a fireplace.)  And I think back just a few hours ago.  My current job has brought with it a variety of  people and introduction to life as a single adult.  Growing up, singleness was not “right.”  Every “adult” I knew as a child and teenager was either married or looking to be married.  To be single was a sign that something was inherently wrong with you.  Too tall, too skinny, to fat, to awkward.

This idea is only propagated by the Protestant neglect of monasticism.  Sure, Paul says that it’s better to stay unmarried, but no one ever listens…  There are few, if any, examples of real, quality people who remain single. As I’ve continued my journey into Orthodoxy and life in general, I’ve gained a significant amount  of respect for monastics.  And I see in the lives of the saints solid examples of both married and single adults.

Slowly, and with much resistance, I am beginning to think, “Maybe singleness isn’t that bad after all.”  As residual stress from a previous life passes away, and I sit here, alone, I realize that I’ve never been less alone in my life.

For once, I’m not anxious to change my situation.  I’m excited about where my life is, where it’s heading.  And the rest I’m finding along the way.

when life slows down

When life slows down I need to get away.
To take a walk in the woods, camera in hand, concerned more with the journey than the destination.
To lay in the grass and absorb as much vitamin D as possible before the beautiful autumn days turn into rainy Kentucky-winter days.
To return to a soft couch, coffee in hand, oblivious to all but photos of leaves, trees and running water…

When life slows down, I have books to read, music to listen to, and thoughts to verbalize. I can feel it…that desire to sit, think, listen, and write.  Only, I’ve been so distracted by life that I have not even begun to discover what it is I have deep within me.

Unfortunately, life never seems to slow down.  Projects never end.  Classes & work consume my time, thoughts, energy.  Every week, I attempt pause for a brief moment-long enough to catch my breath, regain my focus before I re-enter this craziness I call my life.  Most of the time it works.  This week, I failed miserably.  This week, I refused to let go of the cares of this world…I could not simply breathe deep the smell of incense and clear my mind of all but God.  It’s only Monday, and I’m already feeling the consequences.  Ugh…

Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner.

Pure, unselfish love

Last week, desperate for new reading material, I picked up Thomas Merton’s “No Man is an Island.”  I’ve heard nothing but great things about Merton, and have read a few short essays.  So…what the heck, why not see what else he has to say?  I had quite a selection at my local bookstore, and since I really didn’t know where to start, I did what any girl would do:

I picked the cutest.

However, I have thoroughly reading the contents of my new, cute book.  Merton has a lot to say about love and what brings meaning to our lives.  It’s very, very good. Here’s a few of my favorite quotes so far:

“The spiritual life is the life of man’s real self, the life of that interior self whose flame is so often allowed to be smothered under the ashes of anxiety and futile concern…without a life of the spirit, our whole existance becomes unsubstantial and illusory.”  –as seen in people’s anxious and often meaningless grasping at things that promise to bring them meaning: alcohol, money, friends, sex…(non of which bad, in themselves–just not the solution to the root problem)

“One of the moral diseases we communicate to one another is society comes from huddling together in the pale light of an insufficient answer to a question we are afraid to ask.”

“The discovery of ourselves in God, and of God in ourselves, by a charity that also finds all other men in God with ourselvesis, therefore, not the discovery of ourselves, but of Christ…It is to see theworld in Christ”

“I cannot discover God in myself and myself in Him unless Ihave the courage to face myself exactly as I am, with all my limitations, and to accept others as they are, with all their limitations.  The religious answer is not religious if it is not fully real.”

–I love that:  “The religious answer is not religious if it is not fully real.”  There is a trend among many protestants to differentiate between Christianity as a religion or a “relationship.”  Merton ’s idea of religious combats any falsity in a religion.  hmmm…more thoughts to come, I’m sure. 

Time to think, to read, to be “alone”

This morning I hated the fact I had forced myself out of bed and was standing in liturgy.  Surrounded by people, I felt claustrophobic and increasingly irritable.  The thought of sitting and talking to people during common meal made me increasingly agitated.  I realized that while my schedule may be calming down a little, I still need to be conscious of the time I’m giving to myself.  Sometimes, spending time with God and myself in my bed is better than standing singing prayers to Him.  …perhaps that’s not the most theologically sound perspective, but it’s something I’m realizing is true in the odd circumstance.

And, apparently God knew that I needed this time.  I headed to M&M after liturgy ended, desperate for a little solitude, but with full intentions of doing about 4 hrs of work on my video before clocking in.  And then…I realized I had everything I needed except the power cord to my external hard drive…yeah, the one with ALL my video stuff on it.    Rather than driving home, and taking a nap that would leave me groggy and irritable for hours after having to get up and be back at work, I decided to spend the time with me.  Reading, playing with Photoshop, listening to music.  But mostly retreating and letting God restore the energy that I have been squeezing out over the past few weeks.

I look forward to time I can spend reading and thinking…  Pray that I can figure out how I can accomplish that while still affording to live and pay for graduate school without becoming indebted to any man (including the ever-generous parents).