Alone and … happy?

The music from my computer plays softly.  The furnace kicks in, offering a steady stream of warm air and adds its own steady hum to that of the humidifier and air purifier already running.  A single candle flickers across the room.  And I sit, wrapped in my most comfortable clothes, literally curled up with a book and a cup of tea.

The computer pings.  Lets me know I have a date with an old friend in March.  And pings again.  This time it means a possible girl’s night this weekend.  As I return to my book, my mind wanders to a discovery  I’ve made over the past few weeks.  I am increasingly contented.

Tonight is no exception.  Few thing would make this evening better.  (A dog, curled up in my lap or by my feet, for example.  Possibly a fire in a fireplace.)  And I think back just a few hours ago.  My current job has brought with it a variety of  people and introduction to life as a single adult.  Growing up, singleness was not “right.”  Every “adult” I knew as a child and teenager was either married or looking to be married.  To be single was a sign that something was inherently wrong with you.  Too tall, too skinny, to fat, to awkward.

This idea is only propagated by the Protestant neglect of monasticism.  Sure, Paul says that it’s better to stay unmarried, but no one ever listens…  There are few, if any, examples of real, quality people who remain single. As I’ve continued my journey into Orthodoxy and life in general, I’ve gained a significant amount  of respect for monastics.  And I see in the lives of the saints solid examples of both married and single adults.

Slowly, and with much resistance, I am beginning to think, “Maybe singleness isn’t that bad after all.”  As residual stress from a previous life passes away, and I sit here, alone, I realize that I’ve never been less alone in my life.

For once, I’m not anxious to change my situation.  I’m excited about where my life is, where it’s heading.  And the rest I’m finding along the way.

Another end…

Today I come to grips with what I’ve done.  What it means to move on.  To leave the life I have made for myself over the past 8 months.  The energy I have poured into it.  The sacrifices I have made because of it.  One email, one phone call, and it’s all over.  I thought I would have more time to digest what I’ve done.  To let everything sink in slowly.  To find closure.  But closure was ripped from me.

My feelings of hurt weren’t about the money that time promised.  They were about closure.  The time and ability to say goodbye.  To leave things as I wished I had found them.  To ensure those coming after are not left bewildered, confused, and overwhelmed.

I hate it when things are left unfinished.  When the edges are left tattered, evidence of life gone crazy left scattered and unkept.  And yet, this is where I find myself.  The proverbial boot, right into…yeah.

We talked this afternoon, J. and I.  Attempted to reconcile.  Words were spoken, few actually heard.  Even fewer truly understood.  I walked away confused.  He knows what to say; how to craft each sentence in order to get the desired effect.  For the most part, it works.  And then reality hits, words fail to materialize into action.  If they do, that action lasts but a short time.

“You think everyone has a hidden agenda, D.”  You’re right, J.  I do.  I don’t trust easily.  I keep people at arm’s length.  I try not to care.  Try not to delight in praise, try not to be destroyed by criticism.  Try not to feel your stress, your pain, your concern.

You see, my problem is that I do care.  I pour myself into everything I do.  I give 100% to everyone else, often at the expense of my own sanity.  I suck at “self-care.”

This INFJ lives up to her typology.  Except for one critical aspect:  I’m a horrible judge of character.  In this one thing, I often ignore the reality I see in front of me.  Instead I focus, rarely by choice, on the potential I see before me.  The ability that things can be different.  That good can come.  That with a little work, things can change.  Unfortunately, they rarely do and I’m left hurting, wondering why I ignored the sign?

Deep down, I think I knew this wasn’t going to work.  I saw things for what they were–the manipulation, the impossible expectations, the stress.  But I chose not to see them.  I chose to believe the words.  Promises of change.  Promises of something different.  Empty words of encouragement.  Somehow, I think I knew the words were empty when I heard them.  But I chose to believe I was wrong.  I chose to believe that the potential I saw could be reality.  If only I worked harder.

So I worked my butt off.  Sacrificed my time, my energy, my education, my mental health.  And I am left with the same mess I began with.  The same empty words.  The same unrealized potential.  Only now, I am tired.  Very tired.

And I have only myself to blame.  I look back, seeking to understand the lessons I have learned.  Lessons on how I function; what I need to fully live.  Remind myself that I cannot change anyone but myself, no matter how hard I try.  To seek to understand your pains, how my actions, my failures have affected you.  I have failed. And for that, I am deeply sorry.

I just wish I had been given the chance to clean up a little of the mess.

-d

trust…

“An unjustified breach of confidentiality is a violation of justice and is tantamount to theft of a secret with which one has been entrusted.”  –my social work book (Direct Social Work Practice, Hepworth et al, 2006)

life

life is funny. Last night, i literally laughed out loud at the irony of various situations… Situations I never would have dreamed of being a part of 5 years ago. Friends I never would have guessed I’d have. Relationships (romantic & otherwise), break-ups, epiphanies, and restorations. Jobs: past & present… Life is a funny, funny thing.

And few know me well enough to understand the depth of the irony. But I enjoy it nonetheless

Part of the process…

“The greatest of all lessons is to know oneself; for if someone knows himself, he will know God; and if he knows God, he will become like God.”  St Clement of Alexandria.

“Modern man has for the most part lost touch with the truest and highest aspect of himself; and the result of this inward alienation can be sen all too plainly in his restlessness, his lack of identity, and his loss of hope.”  Kalistos Ware.

Indeed, it often happens that a man’s true self is literally buried in the subconscious, and never has a chance to express itself except in symbolic protest against the tyranny of a malformed conscious that insists on remaining immature”  Thomas Merton

“Sin strikes at the very depth of our personality.  It destroy the one reality on which our true character, identity, and happiness depend: our fundamental orientation to God”   Thomas Merton

“The reason why men are so anxious to see themselves, instead of being content to be themselves, is that they do not really believe in their own existance.”  Thomas Merton

“Being means nothing to those who hate and fear what they themselves are.”  Thomas Merton

It’s all part of the processing of recent events, activities, and people…  Trying to find the fundamental truths in the experiential feelings and attitudes by which I often live…and by which I base my beliefs.  I’m not content with the typical attitudes many would reflect to my experiences…I want more.  I want Christ, not humanity’s version of Him.  Yet, I want to be instructed in the foundation laid by my fathers…  Oh what a tangled web we weave.

I don’t have answers, or even rational thoughts at this point.  It’s all a mess of memories, conversations,  and unidentifiable feelings at this point.

Lord have mercy.