Confessions of a (sick) workaholic

So I’m sitting on my bed, well, it’s more like reclining on my bed, feeling guilty for not being at work.  Why?  because I’m “sick.”   Not “sick” I just didn’t want to go in today, but rather “sick” slowly recoverying from perhaps one of the worst 72 hrs I can remember (my roommate is astonished I actually remember those 72 hours…I do…all 15 I was awake for.)  It’s the “sick” that when I wake up in the morning, the sun is shining and finally, finally I feel normal.  Well, at least almost normal.  But as I go through my mornig routine, almost turns to kinda turns to not really.  In the space fo 3 hours that feeling of “I’m back!” turns to “ug”–no engery left even for the slient h.  And thus I retreat, defeated, exhausted, back to bed.  And down for a nap I go.  But I’m not a nap taker and I’ve done nothing BUT sleep (or lie in a semi comatose state) for the past 3 days…So of course I don’t sleep.  Which brings me here.  I’m sitting (kinda) on this bed of mine, attempting make use of this time by catching up on the school work I had planned to do over the weekend, feeling guilty that I’m not at work.  I mean, I’m doing the same thing here that I would be there: sitting (kinda) in front of a computer.  My job’s not terribly strenious…of course…it does involve that whole people interaction bit.  Which tends to come back after the capacity to sit up straight.  And since I haven’t quite mastered that whole sitting up bit, I guess I’m stuck here…in bed…feeling guilty ’cause I feel fine (kinda).

Observation from the middle…

I can’t resist…I feel I must comment on the yesterday’s election as well as today’s reactions.  Honestly, I found it fascinating.  It was interesting to sit on the fence, watching the reactions of both sides.  I realized that no matter who won this year’s election, someone was going to believe it was the end of the world as we knew it.  Conservatives, liberals, republicans, democrats…it didn’t matter.  People were especially passionate about the election this year.  Even though history projected that the democratic candidate would win.  Honestly, I don’t know that it had much to do with Obama, Biden, McCain or Palin.  It had to do with the fact that people don’t like where the country is right now.  Economy, foreign policy, health care…you name it, we’re not happy about it.  Usually, this means a change of leadership in the next election.  Particularly when one party’s been in power for 2 terms.

And yet…my conservative friends are in shock at the state of our nation’s morality.  My liberal friends are rejoicing in signs that our nation is overcoming its racial barriers.

I watched last night as friends and aquaintances watched the results come in, I saw the concern and anxiety both felt for the nation should the “wrong” man be elected.  And honestly, I wonder…is there such a “wrong” man?  Each man would appoint an administration to provide counsel to the best of their ability.  Each man would make decisions based on what he thought would be the best for the country at the time.  Each man woud make mistakes.  Neither man would hold the power to live up to his promises, after all, he must run the majority of his decisions and initiatives by Congress.

I’m not saying the presidential election doesn’t matter.  I voted for who I believed represented the better overall set of ideas for this nation’s future.  However, I recognize the limitations of one decision and one man, particularly in a nation that values its checks and balances.  I also recognize that this nation is filled with people who will not easily give up that which is dear to them: life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.  Some things will not be changed in 4 years, or even 8.  And after that…the leadership will change and much of life will go on.  America will still be America, ever changing but still inherently the same.

And for this, I am thankful.  I am thankful that we can elect a leader without fear of nation wide riots or political coups. I’m thankful that I could go to sleep last night and wake up this morning to life as it has been.  Nothing radical has changed.  Nothing radical is likely to change come January. I will continue to pray for the nation as I do now.  No more or less furvor.

Put not your trust in princes or sons of men, in whom there is no salvation.  For when his breath departs, he  returns to the dust, and on that very day his plans perish.  –relax, breathe, and realize that life is not over.  It is just beginning.  And this reality would have been the same had the other guy won.

F*** it.

In the midst of personal chaos, I was talking w/ a few close friends a few days ago.  S & I talked about religion and questions of faith.  J & I talked about work, stress, and the importance of keeping 1st things 1st.  Sounding boards.  People with whom I can discuss life, stress, work, and ask questions without being judged.  They help me figure my life out.  They give remind me of a perspective I have lost.

J reminded me that I spend too much time trying to figure things out on my own, and not enough time listening to God.  S reminded me of the essentials of faith: not the theology or politics behind it, but the important stuff.  Between the two of them, (and various other conversations, impressions, and revelations), I was once again reminded that there are few things in life that I can control.  I can control my actions, and my responses to life’s events and other people’s stress.  Sometimes, I care too much. I pour myself into what I do, often leaving nothing but questions for myself.  And then, I spend energy trying to answer those questions, striving for the answers I think I want.  When in all actuality, God has placed those answers right under my nose.  I have simply been thinking and striving too much to hear Him.

The ultimate conclusion:  Care, but not to exhaustion.  Think, but not to personal chaos.  And when it all comes crashing down, trust in the One who will ultimately make sense of it all.  Sometimes, “F*** it” really is a good response.  For it stops the cycle of caring too much, thinking to much, and driving oneself crazy…

Pride

I’m trying to finish the book I’m currently reading before I begin mountains of required (or recommended) reading for various classes…  In the course of my reading, I read the following:

“Humility renders the person immune to anger and incapable of making anyone else angry…(the humble person) criticizes no one and refuses to blame others as the cause of whatever problems he may face.  For this reason his mind is perfectly at peace.”

ouch…Not that I consider myself a humble person–I’m usually the first to admit that within me resides an immense capacity for pride.  Yet, this evening, as I read those words, I realized that even my admittance of my pride has, at its source, prideful intentions.  It’s a sort of false humility–this idea that I am SOOO prideful…look at me, admitting my sins, thinking I’m so sinful.

–I don’t.

Work has been stressful lately.  And I’m realizing that it’s my own fault.  Deep down, I’ve always realized that.  But it’s so much easier to blame it on  others.  To say, “Well, if THEY wouldn’t come in with this self-righteous attitude and try to take over, things would be better.”  …they wouldn’t.  And then…I sat across the table with my boss the other day, after explaining to him my frustrations, and listening to his reply.  He appealed to my pride.  It felt good, and wrong, all at the same time.  To hear his praises…to listen to him feed my ego…It felt great initially.  But when the conversation was over, I was left with this pit in my stomach–the emptiness and sorrow that comes from realizing that I am ruled by pride.  That I am easily satiated by feeding my ego–the very thing I should try hard to starve.

…the aestetical practices of Orthodoxy look better and better to me.  And the better they look, the more I realize that it would be a struggle.  A very large struggle.  I am beginning to understand a friend’s explaination for converting–he needed the structure & the routines…

Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner.

Not everyone cares.

I was reminded yet again that not everyone cares about the things that go on in other’s lives as much as I would…  At least–no everyone is interested/remembers the same things that I would.  Not a big deal.  Just a reminder: Diana…not everyone listens and truely cares.  You take it for granted that people really do care about the details of your life, because you care about the details of other’s lives (even though you don’t always listen or seem like you’re listening like you should).

yup…that’s my thought for the day.  Tomorrow, I may have more.  But probably not.  I’m just trying to survive the next few weeks…and not even looking past then.  Some things I would just rather not think about, some things I simply can’t.