trust…

“An unjustified breach of confidentiality is a violation of justice and is tantamount to theft of a secret with which one has been entrusted.”  –my social work book (Direct Social Work Practice, Hepworth et al, 2006)

I have a lot to process.  A lot of thinking, and praying…attempting to verbalize more for my sake than for anyone else.  Right now, I’ve got several seemingly unrelated trains of thought swirling around my head at alarmingly rapid rates–combining in ways that would only make sense to me.  Apparently, God is the great multitasker…

In my attempt to verbalize, I’ll try to focus on just one topic tonight:  Orthodoxy (yes…still).

I’ve not really taken the time to think & write about my continual journey in solidifying my theology.  Fr. J gave an explanation a month or so ago about the Theotokos (Christ-bearer, aka Mary).  The discussion clarified quite a bit for me.  It’s good to listen to a dialogue about the doctrines & beliefs about this incredibly important, yet misunderstood person.  Perhaps Mary herself isn’t misunderstood–just the practices and beliefs surrounding the Orthodox & Catholic fascination and reverence for her.  Slowly, I’m processing it all–putting away the protestant objections and seeking to understand the truth behind the hymns, icons, and overall reverence.  Trying to see her (and other saints) in the light that these faith groups see her, instead of the “They’re worshiping idols” light many protestants usually resort to.

Yesterday, I decided to listen to Les Miserables on my drive home.  I was struck by the Epilogue, particularly this part:

Fantine (from heaven):  Come with me, where chains will never bind you.  All your grief, at last, at last, behind you. Lord in heaven, look down on him in mercy.

Valjean: Forgive me all my trespasses and take me to Your glory.

Fantine & Cosette: Take my hand, I’ll lead you to salvation.  Take my love, for love is everlasting.  And remember, the truth that once was spoken:  To love another person is to see the face of God.

Part of the process…

“The greatest of all lessons is to know oneself; for if someone knows himself, he will know God; and if he knows God, he will become like God.”  St Clement of Alexandria.

“Modern man has for the most part lost touch with the truest and highest aspect of himself; and the result of this inward alienation can be sen all too plainly in his restlessness, his lack of identity, and his loss of hope.”  Kalistos Ware.

Indeed, it often happens that a man’s true self is literally buried in the subconscious, and never has a chance to express itself except in symbolic protest against the tyranny of a malformed conscious that insists on remaining immature”  Thomas Merton

“Sin strikes at the very depth of our personality.  It destroy the one reality on which our true character, identity, and happiness depend: our fundamental orientation to God”   Thomas Merton

“The reason why men are so anxious to see themselves, instead of being content to be themselves, is that they do not really believe in their own existance.”  Thomas Merton

“Being means nothing to those who hate and fear what they themselves are.”  Thomas Merton

It’s all part of the processing of recent events, activities, and people…  Trying to find the fundamental truths in the experiential feelings and attitudes by which I often live…and by which I base my beliefs.  I’m not content with the typical attitudes many would reflect to my experiences…I want more.  I want Christ, not humanity’s version of Him.  Yet, I want to be instructed in the foundation laid by my fathers…  Oh what a tangled web we weave.

I don’t have answers, or even rational thoughts at this point.  It’s all a mess of memories, conversations,  and unidentifiable feelings at this point.

Lord have mercy.

Pure, unselfish love

Last week, desperate for new reading material, I picked up Thomas Merton’s “No Man is an Island.”  I’ve heard nothing but great things about Merton, and have read a few short essays.  So…what the heck, why not see what else he has to say?  I had quite a selection at my local bookstore, and since I really didn’t know where to start, I did what any girl would do:

I picked the cutest.

However, I have thoroughly reading the contents of my new, cute book.  Merton has a lot to say about love and what brings meaning to our lives.  It’s very, very good. Here’s a few of my favorite quotes so far:

“The spiritual life is the life of man’s real self, the life of that interior self whose flame is so often allowed to be smothered under the ashes of anxiety and futile concern…without a life of the spirit, our whole existance becomes unsubstantial and illusory.”  –as seen in people’s anxious and often meaningless grasping at things that promise to bring them meaning: alcohol, money, friends, sex…(non of which bad, in themselves–just not the solution to the root problem)

“One of the moral diseases we communicate to one another is society comes from huddling together in the pale light of an insufficient answer to a question we are afraid to ask.”

“The discovery of ourselves in God, and of God in ourselves, by a charity that also finds all other men in God with ourselvesis, therefore, not the discovery of ourselves, but of Christ…It is to see theworld in Christ”

“I cannot discover God in myself and myself in Him unless Ihave the courage to face myself exactly as I am, with all my limitations, and to accept others as they are, with all their limitations.  The religious answer is not religious if it is not fully real.”

–I love that:  “The religious answer is not religious if it is not fully real.”  There is a trend among many protestants to differentiate between Christianity as a religion or a “relationship.”  Merton ’s idea of religious combats any falsity in a religion.  hmmm…more thoughts to come, I’m sure. 

Here it is again

That feeling in the pit of my stomach…that burning just below my heart.  That forboading that often comes before an event that will change everything for me.  …Or the feeling when my spirit is overwhelmed by desire.  It could be either…it could be both.

I have lunch w/ Fr. J tomorrow.  No agendas…or so we say.    Seriously, I’m looking forward to it.  I’ve been mulling in my head the things I will say, the questions I have…the problems that must be dealt with.  Honestly, words don’t even appear.  I see the ideas in pictures, in feelings, in abstractions that are so…real that they are beyond verbalization.  As with many who take the time to sit and talk about the stuff that matters…I have a feeling he will walk away with a slightly different perception of who I am than when he walked in.  (unless, of course, he reads this…in which case, I have nothing new to say.)

I say this not out of some sort of smug “ha…so you think you know me?  Well, let me just show you.”  I say it more out of a self-realization…I do not easily open myself to people.  I will not easily open the door to my soul to anyone.  They must first try the handle.  They will find it unlocked, more often than not.  But it’s an act many simply will not risk.  Which is why I keep it this way.

But this feeling has been building since before I even remembered lunch.  So perhaps it goes deeper than a conversation over yummy bread and decent coffee.  Perhaps it is simply a continuation of the things I’ve been thinking over the past few days.  That feeling I often get when I am discovering a new passion, a new part of me, or a new aspect of my faith–a new conviction, calling, whatever it is you want to call it.  Or…when I am simply grieved because of the differences between what I see as ideal and what is reality in this world.

I find myself continually surrounded by the world…the hurt, the pain…  And the love of Christ that longs to fill all things.  Today, after finishing one of my videos (well…I’m 98% finished), I took a much needed “mental health day.”  I read, I turned on my “bah” play list (one step more thought provoking than “mellow”, for those interested in the naming of my playlists).  And I sit here, just being.  It’s not often I get to do it.  Just to sit, and think.  To not be worrying about anything.  To let go of all I cling to through the course of the day, week, month… And to simply bask in the love of my Father.  Through the course of my readings (re-reading “The Orthodox Way”), I stumbled across some fantastic quotes:

“Modern man has for the most part lost touch with the truest and highest aspect of himself; and the result of this inward alienation can be seen all too plainly in his restlessness, his lack of identity and his loss of hope.”  –Kallistos Ware

“This is purity of heart: when you see the sinful or the sick, to feel compassion for them and be tenderhearted towards them.” –St Marcarius

“The greatest of all lessons is to know oneself; for if someone knows himself, he will know God; and if he knows God, he will become like God.”  –St Clement of Alexandria

“The paradox of suffering and evil is resolved in the experience of compassion and love.” –Nicolas Berdyaev

And with those, my heart cries out, “Abba, Father.  Grant me love.  Let me be an instrument of your mercy.  Let me not become preoccupied with my own agenda, or my own plans, but let me see Your plans, and to be able to follow in Your footsteps…The steps that lead you to the tables of tax collectors and sinners and those that lead you into the temple to teach…both within the Church and beyond its walls.  Show me your ways.  Guide me and teach me.”

Lord, Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, a sinner.