Pride

I’m trying to finish the book I’m currently reading before I begin mountains of required (or recommended) reading for various classes…  In the course of my reading, I read the following:

“Humility renders the person immune to anger and incapable of making anyone else angry…(the humble person) criticizes no one and refuses to blame others as the cause of whatever problems he may face.  For this reason his mind is perfectly at peace.”

ouch…Not that I consider myself a humble person–I’m usually the first to admit that within me resides an immense capacity for pride.  Yet, this evening, as I read those words, I realized that even my admittance of my pride has, at its source, prideful intentions.  It’s a sort of false humility–this idea that I am SOOO prideful…look at me, admitting my sins, thinking I’m so sinful.

–I don’t.

Work has been stressful lately.  And I’m realizing that it’s my own fault.  Deep down, I’ve always realized that.  But it’s so much easier to blame it on  others.  To say, “Well, if THEY wouldn’t come in with this self-righteous attitude and try to take over, things would be better.”  …they wouldn’t.  And then…I sat across the table with my boss the other day, after explaining to him my frustrations, and listening to his reply.  He appealed to my pride.  It felt good, and wrong, all at the same time.  To hear his praises…to listen to him feed my ego…It felt great initially.  But when the conversation was over, I was left with this pit in my stomach–the emptiness and sorrow that comes from realizing that I am ruled by pride.  That I am easily satiated by feeding my ego–the very thing I should try hard to starve.

…the aestetical practices of Orthodoxy look better and better to me.  And the better they look, the more I realize that it would be a struggle.  A very large struggle.  I am beginning to understand a friend’s explaination for converting–he needed the structure & the routines…

Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner.

Pride

I think my biggest fear currently is getting sucked into a kind of intellectual and spiritual egotism.  Britney brought this to my attention a few days ago,…perhaps she didn’t necessarily realize it at the time–but I wouldn’t be surprised if she did!  I gave her the address of one of the blogs I was reading and she basically came back, saying she couldn’t read/understand it.  I didn’t really think much of it at the time…I understood that this particular writer has a tendency to be wordy.  His writing style isn’t exactly bedtime reading…  However, I quickly realized that it didn’t phase me because it’s not that much “harder” than the rest of my current reading.  It’s not even just the readings, either…  I’ve become used to an…”older” language–for lack of a better phrase.  There are certain phrases and ways of speaking/writing that are distinctly…liturgical.  I wanted to say “not Protestant” but realized that’s not true–Lewis and Chesterton wrote much the same way (yes…Chesterton was Catholic, but not always so).  It’s just the old order of things, perhaps.   Anyway…As I’ve been thinking about this, realizing that everyone I know at church is pretty intellectually minded.  They read the Church Fathers and discuss the theological and practical implications of adding 3-4 words to the Creed…and they seem to enjoy it.  Granted, this is a pretty sweeping generalization, and probably exaggerated just a little for effect.  They really are just normal people.  But normal people who like to think.  Thinking’s not bad.  I’m all in favor of thinking!  This is one reason I’ve been drawn to this church–apart from the depth and symbolism.  Thinking is encouraged.  This isn’t always so among Christians. But yet, there is a sense of pride that often goes along with this.  And I’ve noticed it, but often just push it aside.  Tonight, however, I couldn’t push it aside.  A dig made about a certain denomination, made in jest but with a bit of a bite to it.  It was a glimpse of a deeper issue… a sense of, “I’ve found the true faith” (which is certainly a tenet of Orthodoxy)  and “They are completely wrong.”  (…which I’m not so comfortable with).  It’s not necessarily even a statement of faith or belief.  There’s often pride associated with this attitude.  And that’s what scares me.I have enough of an issue with pride without aligning myself with anything that would provoke a sense of intellectual and/or spiritual pride.  And so, the pendulum swings back. I just want to love God: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, and to learn to love His people.  End of discussion…right?